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Monday, April 9, 2012

More Than You Know

     Have you ever wondered if someone is thinking about you? Maybe even dreamed about what they are thinking about? Come on, we are all guilty of this at some point in our lives. For you, I used to do this. Almost daily, I wished that I was on your mind. I thought of you constantly, sometimes to the point of making myself sick. I yearned for you. I cried for you. You never know just what someone means to you until they are taken from you. But it is even worse when they choose to walk away. When you give them everything and get nothing in return. When you think everything is okay, but in their mind it is not. When you have no idea what went wrong or why you are no longer good enough. All of this is what was on my mind. We had plans. But obviously that didn't matter to you. There is so much I want to say to you, but guess what. Instead I will say, I have moved on. I am okay. I have something better. And he is mine.
     In a situation like this, you think you will never move on. You think you will never love again. You think nothing can compare. But you're wrong. I thought all of those things until I met him. Something just clicked. All of my walls, all of my protections, all of my skepticism...burnt to the ground. For some reason, I trust him. I am scared, because this is how we started off. I am scared because I have heard all of the things he has said before. But I have faith. I want to believe. The scars are healing and he only speeds up the process. First we were acquaintances. Brought together by a mutual friend. Then we were friends. Casual, random conversations about our past. Bonding over his car talk. Then we were best friends. Hanging out. Relying on each other. Trusting each other. And now...we are so much more. I don't want to keep us a secret. I want the world to know. He means more to me than he even knows. What he has done for me, I am forever in debt. I never thought things could be normal again. In never thought I would be okay again. But he shows me that I am not some used and broken record, but I am someone capable of feeling and capable of moving on. I am excited for us. I am excited for what we can be and I can't wait to see just that. I won't let him down. I double pinky promise, sealed with a kiss.
     Even though things are complicated, I made a decision and I am sticking to it. A wise friend once quoted, "Tell me princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?" It made me think, I am always worried about how others feel with no regards for my own feelings. While that can be a good thing, sometimes you have to worry about yourself first. So finally, I let my heart decide. And it chose him. For the happenings shortly before this decision, I am not the cause. No matter what some may think, I did not fuel that fire. It was long gone before I arrived. I just happened to be there at the right time. People can judge and people can hate, but it will not change the facts. I am sorry they feel this way, but in the wise words of someone special to me, "I'm over it". :) <3

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